It's All About Connection

Kids with attachment disorder make me question many things, but one thing I am sure about is that the ONLY we do that makes any difference is connection.  The more we build connection, the brighter our future is.  Everything else is nothing and stays in the past.

This may have been true with our biological children, but I really did feel that we could "teach" them politeness, waiting, respect, etc.  With our adopted kids I've come to the certain conclusion that we don't teach them anything because they don't want to learn.  They just don't care, until connection has been built, and then they do care.

In some ways, this has been a very freeing realization.  When they're acting crazy, I don't have to worry about giving the right consequences or using the right system, because it doesn't matter.  I don't have to remember the penalty or keep track of being consistent, because it doesn't matter. I don't worry about how long the crazies will last or where the latest naughtiness is coming from, because I can't change it anyway.

But it's also a very heavy responsibility.  Since connection is the only thing that matters, that means I have to invest in connecting to my children when they are making me crazy.  Every day, all day, whether I want to or not. After breaking a rule for the 10th time in so many minutes, instead of sending them away (which is what I want to do), I have to stay close.  I have to give time, attention, and smiles when I'm full of resentment for the last awful thing they've done.  After a hard day full of little kid crazies, I have to be right there in the thick of it again tomorrow. 

It means holding them when I'm tired.  Feeding them when I know they could do it themselves.  Reading another story when I'd rather not.  It means that going to the bathroom is always a team event.  That everything I try to accomplish will have "helpers."  That movies or reading or anything else I do for fun is on hold for a long, long, time.

Building connection is very hard and takes a very long time.  But it does make a difference.  It makes a HUGE difference.  As they start to care and the connection gets stronger, the crazies diminish because they want to please us.  Eye contact no longer feels like a competitive sport as they start to relax into the warmth of being truly seen.  Holding time becomes a recapture of the lost baby years.  And when their eyes shine with real genuine love, I am awash in gratitude that I birthed it there.