Healing Lifestyle

I found lots and lots of ideas on how to attach, many listed in my post, Attachment Work, but I also realize that much our success has been from the way we live, not anything specific that we do.  Things were so crazy in the beginning, not unlike chaos of bringing a newborn into the house, that my husband and I naturally went into that newborn survival living, which I think, turns out to be the best lifestyle for healing.

• Schedule.  We keep a very rigid daily schedule of when we get up, when we eat, when we nap (yes, our 7yo naps), and when we go to bed.  That means we get up the same time on the weekends as on weekdays.  We always have lunch at the same time.  Our bedtime routine is the same every day and happens at the same time. 

It makes sense to me that our children had such a chaotic life in their birth home that their brains go to chaos quickly and easily.  By having such a predictable and stable routine, it gives their little brains a chance to grow new pathways that don't involve chaos and going crazy.

We've found the hard way that messing with the daily schedule isn't worth it.  We've quit saying that they should be able to handle schedule changes, because they can't.  They can't!  They get bounching-off-the-walls-crazy and pretty soon I'm running after them like an spasmatic bouncy ball.  No, life is so much better with a strict schedule.

• Home-ness.  As our kids' placement got closer, my husband and I bowed out of most every outside activity.  It's been almost a year and we haven't gone back. Our ministry, our life, is at home with the kids, helping them learn the things they didn't learn in their first year.  We are home a lot.  We are together always.  We go to church and we spend time at home.  That's all we do.  

This long sustained time together is giving them a foundation on which to build their entire lives.  Our kids don't need to experience eating out or movies or video arcades.  They need a family and they need to feel like they belong.  Everything else is optional. 

• Screens.  Screens are bad.  The kids will quickly forget everything in the world when the screen comes on.  My hunch is that's the way they escaped the insanity in their birth home.  Now that they are home, they need to keep their minds on us as they learn to attach, and they can't do that if a video is on.  The video will win every time.

I think the hardest part for many parents isn't turning off the kids' shows, it's turning off their own.  I admit that I have some addiction issues with screens and the kids aren't the only ones tuning out.  I have to be available to them and I have to not be resentful if they interrupt my show.  So my shows stay off too (until after bedtime).

• Togetherness.  We are with the new kids all the time.  I mean, all the time.  I know how much they need it but it does get so exhausting.  Sometimes I just want to jump in the car and go out to coffee.  I want to walk through the house without keeping tracking of little ones following me. 

I remind myself that we didn't let our bio children play alone when they were 12 months old, so we can't let the new kids play alone.  They have to be with us.

There's another benefit.  Attachment disordered children lie and steal.  But our kids are with us all the time, so they don't have opportunity to steal and there's little they can lie about.  That's a pretty good positive.

• Homeschooling.  I've read that homeschooling is not for attachment-disordered children, but it's part of our lifestyle and I think it's been a net positive.  Our kids are home with us every day instead of at school. Every thing they do right gives us another opportunity for smiling eye contact.   I don't have to read many posts by frustrated parents with their children causing trouble at school (stealing, lying, hurting) to be so glad we don't have to deal with that.