Saturday, November 23, 2013

Fuzes Burn Out

When we were doing all our reading before the kids came, I read that people parenting kids with attachment disorder need one hour a day off and one weekend a month off.  I remember thinking how that didn't seem plausible to me so I wouldn't worry about it.

And then the kids came home.  It only took about a week for them to push my husband and I below water.  But we kept going. 

We got very rigid about nap time.  It took a long time, but today the kids go down consistently for nap and stay quiet and still (we don't require sleep, only quiet & stillness).  Even our 7yo takes a nap and actually sleeps regularly.

About 7 months after the kids came home, we finally decided we just had to have a weekend off.  It was my 16yo who gave us permission.  I was talking with her about it and feeling guilty that we'd be leaving the little crazy little ones at home with her and her sisters.  She told me it was fine.  "We have to learn how to handle them.  They're our siblings."  OK, we were convinced.

That first weekend was a blur.  It literally took 24 hours of staring out the window before we could do anything.  I couldn't read.  I couldn't watch a movie.  I just starred out the window.  Finally, my mind and heart rested up enough to have a little bit of fun.  It made me realize just how emotionally exhausted I had become.  I needed to be compassionate but instead I had become numb.  We came home from that first weekend so much stronger emotionally so we could do the heavy lifting of attachment work.

I realized how desperately we needed some time to ourselves, with no one to watch and correct and nurture.  We needed time to rest and have fun.  And the kids needed it to.  When we are rested our fuzes are so much longer, we are so much more patient, and those smiles the kids need so badly come so much easier. 

As time has gone on, I've come to realize how desperately important self-care is.  Our children were lucky in that they've only had two placements, one foster home and us.  Right now what they need most in the entire world is to not move again.  They need us to stick with them.  But the only way we can keep from burning out and leave emotionally or physically, is to have that rest time. 

Wishing emotional exhaustion away doesn't work.  Trying to be strong don't work.  Only rest and fun work.  So we do it.  We have to.

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