Attachment "work"

Our adopted children came to us when they were 6-1/2, almost 3, and 1-1/2.   All three were full of symptoms on lists for Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD).  We later found out that the oldest had been diagnosed RAD, but we weren't told.  I remember thinking, wow, RAD kids must really be difficult because we're hardly keeping up.

I had read a lot and had a list of things we were going to daily.  Our list has become fine tuned over the past 10 months, but all of it is basically redoing the first year of life.  Here is the daily regime of our attachment work.

Sweet Milk — Dissolve some sugar in milk and give it to them in a bottle while holding them like a baby, rocking, and looking into their eyes.  I continue to be amazed how much they enjoy this, still 10 months after they've come home.  I've read that this can be a powerful way to redo that infant nursing so many hurt children missed.

Rocking — Sweet milk can only last so long, so we also do regular rocking.  At first we just rocked them looking out, but over time, we've changed their position to the way we held our newborns — tummy to tummy, facing us, with baby wrapped around.  It's been wonderful to notice the growth in their ability to relax and mold as the months have gone by.

Holding — Unlike some RAD kids, we don't have the option of our keeping our kids away from other kids all the time.  More often than not, their play is unhealthy, so we have to stop it, but we can't leave the room.  So someone gets held.  And held.  And held.  At first we did it just to manage behavior, but then I got to thinking about how much I held my newborns when they were tiny.

Eye contact — One of our children easily made lots of eye contact, another totally avoided it, and the other was in between.  We played games that used eye contact, like peek-a-boo.  We used eye contact in feeding so the child would be given a bite when they made eye contact.  I've read that the longer they are with you, the more eye contact you should demand.  That worked great with two, but for the resistant one it just made things worse.  I finally had to relax my "demand" for eye contact which actually seemed to open her up to attachment. 

Feeding — One of the fundamental roles of the primary caregiver is feeding, so we wanted to make sure our children saw us the source of food in a very direct and concrete ways.  I fed the two younger ones every single bite for the first six months.  My husband fed every single bite of dessert to the older one.  We slowly relaxed that as they started demonstrating signs of attachment, but we're careful that they still see us as the source of nourishment.

Keeping Close — I was recently at a conference where they talked about the occasional use of "time in."   Ha!  All three of our children are in "time in" all the time.  We always keep them close!  I guess for the youngest one that is age appropriate, but not one of them can be trusted at any distance.  They are within five feet of us every waking moment.  We've relaxed that occasionally with the older one only to discover he is NOT ready. 

Laughing — Nothing undoes defiance like a good laugh.  When the kids are stuck, we get them to laugh.  As the month have gone by, the laughs have come easier, and we've become more diligent about getting them.  We also found that a little bit of laughter helps us a lot when they've made us so mad we're about to pop.

Exercise — Our children gorge on food and are all overweight.  We started dedicated exercise to try to balance their over-eating, but we've discovered it has noticeable effect on their attitude.  I don't know if they're getting happy hormones or if the exercise wears them out so they don't have the energy to be naughty, but it really does help.

We've also done other things like baby wearing, even with the 6-1/2 year old, in a wrap.  They get really heavy but there is something about that total contact while walking around they really enjoy.  There is a down side.  Our older one would ask to get into the wrap, but then five minutes later decide he was done.  After only 3.5 seconds he'd be in full tantrum because he wasn't out yet, but once he started the tantrum I couldn't let it work, so I left him in the wrap until it was over.  Let me tell you, a tantruming 6-1/2 year old on your back, screaming in your ear, is not pleasant (if I wasn't crazy before, that certainly did it to me). 

Adopting hurt children

Ten months ago I was filled with fear, not excitement, when I met the three little people who would become my children.  I had read "Can This Child Be Saved" and I knew that children adopted from foster care can be so full of hurt and rage that they spend a lifetime torturing their new family.  Would that be us?

After only three meetings, I knew that we had to either be 100% committed or we had to pull out.  Underneath the hyperactivity and stunned silence, I could see fear-filled little people who desperately needed a full commitment even while being totally incapable of giving anything back.  We went for that forth meeting.

And so our lives as adoptive parents began.  We had read just about every book on attachment and adoption.  We went to trainings. We talked to experts.  But all of that did nothing to prepare us for three little attachment-disordered children who were set on driving us crazy. And, frankly, they were pretty good at it.

To say that the last 10 months have been difficult is impossible to communicate to a person who hasn't parented an attachment-disordered child.  It's like trying to describe childbirth to someone whose never been through it.  As we have attempted to describe our lives, we've been told by well-meaning people, "normal kids do that too."  Yes, normal kids lie, but not like these kids.  Normal kids manipulate their parents, but not like these kids. Normal kids cause trouble, but not like these kids.  It's like saying that a cut finger fires pain receptors just like childbirth.  But it's just not the same.

I've read lots and learned even more as we have lived this year.  I hope to share what has helped us and to offer encouragement to those who are going through similar struggles.