Pulling out of Ruts

It doesn't take much to push my kids down into a rut, and Christmas did the job.  I think of these ruts as naughty-benders.  It's like they're addicted to being naughty and just can't stop themselves.  So, okay, we'll be the grown ups and pull them out.  Ugh.

We've been told that holidays can be a tough time for kids like ours.  We noticed about mid-November that some naughties were emerging that we hadn't seen in several months.  So we tightened the boundaries, kept routines really secure, and things stabalized.  Then Christmas morning hit, with a different routine and lots of new stuff and the kids took it to a whole new level.  They were defiant just because, about everything, as long as they could hold the energy.  Any control of impulsivity they'd gained was gone.  It was like we had taken a huge step backward and lots months and months of growth.

So now we're in a rut.  Our 7 year old told me today he was going to be good now.  Oh no!!!  I hate it when he says that because he's NEVER good after saying that.  He's worse.  But I do believe he's sincere.  Wanting to be good but being over the top naughty, that is crazy.  He's stuck, he's lost in old patterns and doesn't know how to get out.

Almost two months of troubles, then several days of working my tail off maintaining boundaries, and now I have to come up with the additional energy to infuse in these relationships to pull these kids out of their rut.  We've done it before and we'll do it again.

• Collect smiles & laughs. Our kids have lots of old brain chemistry for sadness and hopelessness. So we pull them into new brain chemistry of smiling and laughing and happiness.  The hardest part of getting them to smile is to first put a real smile on my face.
• Connection.  After so much trouble, I don't want to be with them, but that's exactly what they need.  And they need more than my presence in the room, they need my attention.  It's time to play games together, read stories, and do lots of rocking.
• "Yes, Mama."  Everything I tell them to do has to be answered with a "Yes, Mama" with a smile.  I get this response by giving it.  "Say, yes Mama," I say to them with a smile, until they get it right. When they finally get past the resistance, the look on their faces is pure joy.  They are letting me be the parent and they get to be the kid.
• Have fun.  I'm worn out of watching them, enforcing boundaries, and then getting those looks of defiance, but it doesn't matter.  We must have fun.  We must have fun!

Tomorrow we begin.

Signs of Progress

Our children have been home a year and we hold on to little markers of progress like a lifeline.  Some of these are very small and subtle, but counting them has become part of my staying sane program.  Ironically, these are not all things I would have been happy to see in my bio children.

• Stranger Danger.  Our little ones had no stranger danger when they came home and hadn't since they entered foster care.  Now when they cry when a stranger comes near, I get so happy.  When my little 2yo was screaming her head off at the doctor's office, I was giddy, saying "you're such a good girl, you're such a good girl." The doctor noted that most parents aren't so happy at the crying, but he understood why.

• Asking Permission. Attachment disorder builds a false independence in children, believing that they don't need parents.  Every time our children ask permission, we hear I need you and want to be connected to you.

• Eye Smiling.  It's hard for us to look at early pictures of our kids with those dead eyes and toothy smiles.  But after several months, their eyes started smiling in photos and now we see eye smiling all the time.

• Sleeping Soundly.  Our oldest two were 6 and 3 when they came home.  We were surprised how light their sleep was.  Usually as people fall asleep their breathing patterns become heavier, but our kids' breathing remained light and silent.  Today when I hear heavy sleepy breathing, I am affirmed that their subconscious feels safe enough to really sleep.  

• Growing.  Our children came home very short and very fat.  They had enough calories but life had been so difficult that their bodies had stopped growing.  Our oldest grew less than an inch his first six months home and over two inches in the second six months home.  His little body is letting go and growing!

• Body Molding.  One of the symptoms of attachment disorder is that kids are rigid when they are held.  Our kids sure were.  Slowly they have begun to relax in our arms.  Today when we hold them across our bodies like a baby, they just completely relax and mold to us.

• Focusing.  To say that our children lack impulse control is to fundamentally understate their reality.  I had never seen mental flight at such a rapid pace.  So when our oldest was working on some math with his eyes closed, head down, and ears covered, popping up every now to write an answer down, I was awed at his new capacity to focus his mind.

• Copying/Modeling.  Our 7yo has really begun to copy everything about my husband, including his tastes in food.  He'll rave about how much he loves something even as he's fighting to choke it down.  We realized it's because he wants to be like his Daddy and his Daddy likes it.  Seeing him wanting to be like his Daddy makes my heart swell. 

What are the things you've noticed that tell you that your child is healing?